Why Would Anyone Collect A Vat of Tears, No an Ocean of Tears?

“Tears are simply the raindrops from the storms inside of us.” -Unknown

So, I started this blog over a year and a half ago, mainly to have a space to express myself and for others to have someone or something to relate to. Interestingly enough, this wasn’t a blog for updates on a life changing treatment that I didn’t even know existed, much less that it would be possible for me to do.

This entry is for me. Its for that space I once created to express myself. But its also for you, (no worries there will be a more direct treatment update following this post.)

Recently, I cried through an entire appointment with my specialist in D.C., prior to that I sat on the hotel bathroom floor bawling. The day before that there were tears. To say the least things have been a bit tough.

Picture this, my parents went to grab a bite to eat before hitting the road for D.C. (of course I can’t eat any food out), so they dropped me off next door to grab some blueberries and snap peas at the grocery store.

I entered the store and was immediately confused. “Where am I? What am I doing here? Oh yes, I am getting something. Hmmmm what am I getting?” I moseyed for a moment and saw the blueberries. “Oh, yes blueberries. I am getting blueberries.” I made small talk with the folks around the produce, but again felt lost. I knew there was something else, but what?

I started to just walk around hoping something will trigger my mind as to what I needed. I walked around the cold section of produce and started getting to the upset point. “Why am I here? What do I need to get? Why can’t I remember? What is happening to me?”

Eventually, after I was an icicle, I saw the green beans in bags and knew it was something like that. Finally, got the snap peas. Unfortunately, my emotions were almost full throttle. I walked out of the cold and once again, “What am I doing? I’ve got food, I need to pay for it. Wait how do I do that?”

By this point, there were only small unrecognizable tears because of my mask. I thanked the cashier like all is good, no problems here. But then I couldn’t find my phone. Cue larger tears. I didn’t know where it was, and I don’t remember anyone’s phone number anymore. I couldn’t call mom and tell her I am so lost here. A very sweet lady said that I will call it while you walk around. “Okay, thank you so so much. Ok, April, though you have no idea where you have been and are struggling to really get what’s happening, you can do this.” I walked around but never found it. I thanked the lady once again and told her hopefully I left it in the car.

As I walked with my cane, blueberries, snap peas, the tears began to fully flow. I saw the guy moving karts, tried to chat a bit, so kind. But all I could think was, “Dear God please let me make it to that bench without running into anyone else while I am full on crying.” I sat for a few minutes confused, upset, and crying before my parents picked me up. My phone was in the car, thank the Lord. I called Nikki, best human ever, saying I needed a cry. After that I got off the phone and quietly wept for an hour in the car.

Can you imagine having no idea where you are, what you are doing, unable to figure the things out, feeling lost, and feeling scared that you don’t know anything and more so that you are a 36-year-old who is losing all your mental faculties?

Imagine that for a moment, as silent tears literally fall as I type.

That’s a lot!

A lot of confusion. A lot of being overwhelmed. A lot of being scared. A lot of what should be simply known. A lot of how can I survive this moment and then the next. A lot of my body reacting to the effort to figure things out and deal with the magnitude of things. A lot of exhaustion within the process.

A lot.

After this continued hardship, followed by bathroom floor crying at the hotel and then several hour cry during my entire appointment with my specialist, I asked God some questions.

So, it is written,

“You’ve kept track of all my wandering and my weeping. You’ve stored my many tears in your bottle—not one will be lost. For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance.” -Psalms 56:8 TPT

“Why?” I asked. “Why do you catch my tears? Why would that matter? Who does that? Who would want vats, no, oceans of tears?”

But then the Holy Spirit reminded me, that He knows every hair on my head, He has counted each and ever curl on my head. So, if He knows every singly hair, then He KNOWS me.

So, if He knows me and He catches every tear then He SEES me and LOVES me extravagantly, so, much so that He HOLDS my pain, and even my joy. He holds me comforting me one tear at a time. As this was all swirling in my heart and soul, I kept thinking of how Mary washed Christ feet with her tears and covered His feet as she dried them with her hair. I couldn’t help but see how that related to God catching each tear. As I bounced these thoughts of two of my friends, I kept thinking how we detox, meaning my body is being washed clean, through my weeping. He wipes each tear away, enveloping me like Mary’s hair did with Christ’s feet, surrounding us with His comfort.

That’s why He catches every tear.

This is why when I am lost in a very familiar place, like the grocery store or just within my mind, He catches every tear.

This is why when I look around and nothing makes sense, He catches every tear.

This is why when someone I love cannot believe for themselves and so I believe for them, He catches every tear.

This is why when I am scared, He catches every tear.

This is why when I forget, He catches every tear.

This is why when I remember, He catches every tear.

This is why when I struggle so hard with things that almost literally killed me, He catches every tear.

This is why when my heart is breaking when comforting a friend is hurting, He catches every tear.

This is why when I sit on the hotel bathroom floor bawling, He catches ever tear.

This is why when I cry for hours at a very expensive specialist appointment, He catches every tear.

This why when I can't walk, write, read, hold my head up, He catches my tear.

This is why when I have prayed and interceded my heart out, but things don’t turn out as my heart desired, He catches every tear.

This is why when I am angry, He catches every tear.

This is why when I am on my third box of tissues, He catches every tear.

This is why when I have the panic attack of my lifetime and I end up injured from it, He catches every tear.

This is why when I have to fight for hope and what is true, He catches every tear.

This is why when I cannot breathe, He catches every tear.

This is why when I lose someone so close and dear to my heart, He catches every tear.

This is why, when the world has continued on, as it should, but I am still struggling and fighting for life, He catches every tear.

This is why when everything feels like it is changing or falling apart around me, He catches every tear.

This is why when I am overwhelmed and anxiety kicks in hard core, He catches every tear.

This is why when I am covered in heating pads and ice packs and sometimes an eye patch, He catches every tear.

This is why no matter how many times someone tells me what the day is, and I can’t remember, He catches every tear.

This is why when I tried to end it all but You have continually kept me here, He catches every tear.

This is why when I have to grieve my perceived thoughts and hopes for my future, He catches every tear.

This is also why when you I see something beautiful, He catches every tear.

This is why when I am so moved by joy, He catches every tear.

This is why when I realize exactly who God is and how in the middle of a prison, He has set me free, He catches every tear.

I could keep going and going on and on with this is why…, which in itself, further proves how amazing God is.

In all situations positive,joyful, painful, or negative He catches every tear.

#lymeisstupid #feelinglymie #chroniclyme #chroniclymedisease #lymedisease #lyme #crying

#balwing #tears #hecatcheseverytear #psalm58:6 #godiswhohesaysheis #hope. #rawandreal #hardtimes #joyinthebroken #itsokaytobesad #allowforemotion #allowfortheholyspirit